Monday, March 3, 2014

Dear Mom with Angel Babies that I Offended

Dear Mom with Angel Babies that I Offended,

This morning I woke up to my husband telling me about the snow storm that was coming.  It was going to be bad.  There was going to be almost a foot of snow, a layer of ice, and some sleet thrown in for good measure - and it was going to come just in time for my 20-week ultrasound.  So, even though we both took the day off, even though we found childcare for the kids, and even though our families were dying to know what this baby was, we were not going to see our little peanut.  I was frustrated and sad knowing that the likelihood of rescheduling any time this week or next (due to vacation plans) was slim at best.  And, I wanted to whine to someone that would understand.

I made a mistake.  I turned to a Facebook group for Moms with lots of kids thinking they would understand my disappointment, but instead my whining offended you.  I know you were mad and you said some ugly things.  I don't know what those things were because you either deleted them or the moderator did, but I saw the responses of those who jumped in to defend me.  I deleted the whole post because I hate confrontation and I know that it must have been really bad because a few moments later you wrote me a message to apologize.

But, I wasn't mad.  You were right.  Even though I didn't see your post, I know that you have suffered loss.  In fact, you told me later that you've lost eight babies in six years.  I don't know what that pain is like.  I can't even begin to imagine.  Last year, my niece delivered a baby at 5 months and he only managed to take his first few breaths before he joined the angels.  I mourned with her.  My heart broke for her, but still I didn't know her pain, not the way you do.

I do know that you would give anything to see your baby's ultrasound, even if it took a few extra weeks.  You'd gladly take the morning sickness, the aches and pains, the sleepless nights.  You'd give anything for the pain of childbirth and gladly walk the floors all night with a colicky baby.  You'd take years of the terrible twos and you'd probably smile right through the exhaustion.

I say this because I hope you'll know that we don't mean to be insensitive when we talk about how sick we are or how tiring this parenting thing is.  We would never purposely hurt you with our baby announcements or bump pictures.  I know that there are others like me who have never experienced a miscarriage or lost a child.  We don't always know what to say in these situations because we're scared to say the wrong thing.  We feel for you and we want to help - we just don't know how.  I hope this is a step in the right direction when I say "I'm sorry" and thank you for reminding me how lucky I am. 
To all moms who have lost a child, I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that I am so, so sorry for your loss.  I wish I could wrap each one of you in a big hug and tell you how special and loved you are.

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  1. I didn't see what anyone wrote on Facebook, and its very nice of you to apologize, but... I'm not sure it's necessary. It is very, very sad when someone suffers loss, but that doesn't mean that you don't have the right to be grouchy when your day doesn't go as planned. I'm not saying that other people need to just "get over their loss." I'm sure they are hurting. But it isn't right or appropriate for them to take it out on you.

  2. I do not know who made negative comments to you, but having lost my angel baby at 39 weeks I say "Congratulations! I pray for a happy and healthy pregnancy, and baby." And, feel you have every right to post about your disappointment. You and Jonathan work hard to raise your children. Those of us who know you should feel blessed. Thank you for all your words of encouragement!

    1. Thank you Stephanie. That means so much coming from you! You were deeply on my heart while writing this and are often in my prayers!

  3. This is such a sweet apology, Tina. I must say - I feel sorry for you. I have 4 kids, ages 5 and under. And pregnancy is NOT my cup of tea to say the least! On the other hand, I have a sister who's miscarried twice now. We were supposed to have our 3rd babies together...but hers died. I've always felt so guilty - because I have never miscarried.I don't know what it's like, and I don't know what to say or do. I appreciate your transparency and the soft heart you communicated. Well-written. Good for you!

    1. Thank you, Rebecca. This is such a hard topic because it's so hard to know what to say. Pregnancy is hard, but we are so blessed to be able to carry our healthy little peanuts! Thanks so much for sharing!

  4. Tina -
    Thank you for this sweet article and apology!
    I am a total outsider on this conversation. I agree that you probably did not "need" to apologize. However, in my opinion, it is "never wrong to apologize." I believe it takes true humility to apologize when we realize that others have been offended by something we have said or done.
    As a mom of eight here on earth, one in heaven, and many more that we did not get to hold; my advice to everyone is: pray for those you know (and don't know) who are hurting and let them know that you need for words.
    Enough rambling!