"I've been reviewing C's file from this morning and I noticed something that may be an issue. I need you to schedule a follow-up appointment."
And, so began the phone call that would send my day into a tailspin.
I'm ashamed to say that my initial response was "Dear God, not my child. Please don't let something be wrong with my child!". The call was brief. There were little facts (a jump in head circumference percentiles) and even fewer explanations (It could be fluid on the brain...It could be a tumor...It could be nothing...It could be...It could be...).
That call sent me back two years. Back to the time shortly after we found out I was pregnant with my third son. Almost immediately after that positive pregnancy test, I began bleeding. At the hospital, I knew the moment the ultrasound tech found something. She stopped talking and started staring intently at the screen. Even worse, she wouldn't tell me what she saw or what it meant. When I went to the doctor, all he could say was that there was a "bleed" and that the baby probably wouldn't make it. During that time of waiting and praying for answers, there was a song that we would sing EVERY. SINGLE. SUNDAY at church. At first, I couldn't bear to hear it because singing it was a lie...
Have you heard this song?
If I lost it all, would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives and takes away
If you take it all
This life you've given
Still my heart will sing to you...
But would my heart still sing? I wrestled with that question for weeks. I loved the Lord, but could I give Him this? Even this? I'd given him my marriage, my career, my desire to stay at home with my children, our finances...wasn't that enough? Part of me was terrified (and still is) of surrendering my children as well. And, then, finally...I did. I let go of that one worry. And there was peace. It was still awhile before we had any definitive answers and knew that Baby E was going to be okay, but in that moment I knew that, no matter what, God would see us through.
I suppose that brings us back to today - to the phone call that scared me to my core. I cried; I prayed. I got angry with God and told Him that I was confused and scared. Why was I dealing with this again? What could this possibly accomplish? I don't think He minded. God's big enough for our fears and our questions. Even Abraham and Moses questioned God, right? After a lot of prayer, I finally got a grip. I can't change what will be by worrying. The swelling will go down, or it won't (if it is swelling). His measurements will level off or they won't. I don't know what the next month holds for us, but God does, and I'm clinging to that fact.
At first, there was only fear, but the faith is coming, and with it - PEACE. I know that God has a plan for my precious Baby C and that He's holding Him in His hands. Whatever comes, we will handle it. In the meantime, I am daily surrendering this burden.
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~Isaiah 41:10