Before we decided to go for a third baby, I began praying for a little girl. I prayed constantly. In fact, after a few months, I even began praying that we wouldn't get pregnant again if it wasn't a girl. When we got pregnant a few months after that, I KNEW it was a girl. I absolutely KNEW that it had to be a girl. I had prayed for this baby girl. I had cried and begged God to give us a little girl. Of course God was answering my prayer. The day of the "big ultrasound", I remember driving in the car listening to the radio. The announcer was talking about the lead singer of Sanctus Real and their new baby boy who was in critical condition. At that moment I knew two things: 1) I was having another boy, and 2) All I wanted was for him to be okay. Even after the tech told us it was a boy, I couldn't breathe easy until I knew that he was healthy.
Later that evening, the mourning began. I mourned for the baby girl I knew I was never going to have. This one hit me the hardest because I felt like God had let me down. I had prayed SO HARD for this baby girl and God had said "no". I had let everyone down again! The in-laws, my parents, our friends all told me over and over again how much they hoped that this baby was a girl...and again I was having a boy. Again, I got to see their disappointment. All I wanted was for my in-laws to show some excitement over my pregnancy. The hardest part was a few month's later when my sister-in-law found out that she was having a girl. Every time my mother-in-law called after that, I got to hear how excited she was that she was FINALLY getting to make something in pink. What exactly do you say to that?!
Please don't misunderstand me. I LOVE my children - I ADORE my little boys!! I wouldn't trade them for the world. I just wanted a baby girl, too. That's why we always find out the gender. I know that this is a hot topic for many people. I've seen plenty of discussions get heated and people get downright ugly with their opinions of whether or not you should find out the gender of your baby. In all honesty, I have no idea whether YOU should find out the gender of YOUR baby. I can only tell you why we do.
- Pregnancy and Childbirth are full of surprises - not just the gender: I don't think that finding out your child's gender is the only surprise in life. There are plenty of surprises with a new baby. Who will they look like? When will they come? How big will they be? I'm perfectly content to spread out the surprises.
- I Am A Planner - I feel completely lost if I don't have the nursery done, clothes washed, dressers filled, and diapers prepped before the baby arrives. I'd also rather do most of the decorating and organizing while I still have the energy of the second trimester and a chance of sleeping through the night. In addition, we plan our nurseries to last into childhood with just a few minor changes, so I want it to be something that can grow with him/her.
- Lastly, and perhaps most importantly to me: There is NO ROOM for sadness on their birth day: I will not have the day of my child's birth marred by sadness that I'm not having a girl. If I know ahead of time, I can begin bonding with my little boy as a boy. I can mourn the loss of my girl and embrace the little life inside of me for who he is - a special blessing from God. He will have a name and his brothers can start using it. I will look forward to him coming for just who he is - my beautiful baby boy! I don't want there to be anything but joy in the delivery room, from me or any well-meaning relatives who might want to pick that moment to point out that I'm having yet another boy!!
Next week, we will find out whether we're having a boy or a girl. Part of me is very excited, and part of me is scared to death. I don't want to be sad. I love my baby! I love feeling them move inside of me! I just hope that I can get a rein on these pregnancy hormones before we see our little peanut on that ultrasound screen.
Update: So many people have found this little post, and I never dreamed how controversial it would be! Or, how many people would find something of themselves in it. We did find out that we were having another little boy and you can read all about my initial reaction here. I don't know if we're done with children yet, but I can say that I am truly blessed to be the Mama of 4 sweet little boys!