Thursday, February 2, 2012

"I Hope It's a Girl" - Why We ALWAYS Find Out the Baby's Gender

Six years ago, it never entered my mind that I wouldn't be having a girl. My friends were having girls; my mother had two girls; my sister had two girls. Of course I was having a girl...and then he was a boy. After that ultrasound I cried and it took me weeks to come to terms with the fact that I would be buying baseballs instead of hair bows.  Two years later, I was back at Washington Radiology gazing at another baby boy.  This time I knew it was a boy from the beginning.  I can't say how I knew, but I knew from the moment we found out we were pregnant that I was having another boy.



Before we decided to go for a third baby, I began praying for a little girl.  I prayed constantly.  In fact, after a few months, I even began praying that we wouldn't get pregnant again if it wasn't a girl.  When we got pregnant a few months after that, I KNEW it was a girl.  I absolutely KNEW that it had to be a girl.  I had prayed for this baby girl.  I had cried and begged God to give us a little girl.  Of course God was answering my prayer.  The day of the "big ultrasound", I remember driving in the car listening to the radio.  The announcer was talking about the lead singer of Sanctus Real and their new baby boy who was in critical condition.  At that moment I knew two things:  1) I was having another boy, and 2) All I wanted was for him to be okay.  Even after the tech told us it was a boy, I couldn't breathe easy until I knew that he was healthy.

Later that evening, the mourning began.  I mourned for the baby girl I knew I was never going to have.  This one hit me the hardest because I felt like God had let me down.  I had prayed SO HARD for this baby girl and God had said "no".  I had let everyone down again!  The in-laws, my parents, our friends all told me over and over again how much they hoped that this baby was a girl...and again I was having a boy.  Again, I got to see their disappointment.  All I wanted was for my in-laws to show some excitement over my pregnancy.  The hardest part was a few month's later when my sister-in-law found out that she was having a girl.  Every time my mother-in-law called after that, I got to hear how excited she was that she was FINALLY getting to make something in pink.  What exactly do you say to that?!

Please don't misunderstand me.  I LOVE my children - I ADORE my little boys!!  I wouldn't trade them for the world.  I just wanted a baby girl, too.  That's why we always find out the gender.  I know that this is a hot topic for many people.  I've seen plenty of discussions get heated and people get downright ugly with their opinions of whether or not you should find out the gender of your baby.  In all honesty, I have no idea whether YOU should find out the gender of YOUR baby.  I can only tell you why we do.

  • Pregnancy and Childbirth are full of surprises - not just the gender:  I don't think that finding out your child's gender is the only surprise in life.  There are plenty of surprises with a new baby.  Who will they look like?  When will they come?  How big will they be?  I'm perfectly content to spread out the surprises.
  • I Am A Planner - I feel completely lost if I don't have the nursery done, clothes washed, dressers filled, and diapers prepped before the baby arrives.  I'd also rather do most of the decorating and organizing while I still have the energy of the second trimester and a chance of sleeping through the night.  In addition, we plan our nurseries to last into childhood with just a few minor changes, so I want it to be something that can grow with him/her.
  • Lastly, and perhaps most importantly to me:  There is NO ROOM for sadness on their birth day:  I will not have the day of my child's birth marred by sadness that I'm not having a girl.  If I know ahead of time, I can begin bonding with my little boy as a boy.  I can mourn the loss of my girl and embrace the little life inside of me for who he is - a special blessing from God.  He will have a name and his brothers can start using it.  I will look forward to him coming for just who he is - my beautiful baby boy!  I don't want there to be anything but joy in the delivery room, from me or any well-meaning relatives who might want to pick that moment to point out that I'm having yet another boy!!
Next week, we will find out whether we're having a boy or a girl.  Part of me is very excited, and part of me is scared to death.  I don't want to be sad.  I love my baby!  I love feeling them move inside of me!  I just hope that I can get a rein on these pregnancy hormones before we see our little peanut on that ultrasound screen.


Update:  So many people have found this little post, and I never dreamed how controversial it would be!  Or, how many people would find something of themselves in it.  We did find out that we were having another little boy and you can read all about my initial reaction here.  I don't know if we're done with children yet, but I can say that I am truly blessed to be the Mama of 4 sweet little boys!

Thanks for stopping by!  I'd love to hear from you in the comments and have you join us back again!
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48 comments:

  1. I understand your feelings. We never find out the gender until the baby is born but I did my own mental wrestling when I was pregnant on accepting either gender. I so very much wanted a girl and then actually convinced myself that a boy would be better anyway. As it turns out, we now have children of both genders and I love my daughter immensely and I'm so grateful for her - my son, too!
    One thing that frustrates me greatly are the comments I get for having children of both genders, particularly from mothers of only boys who wanted a girl. Please don't tell me, "Wait until she's a teenager, then you'll want my boys" or "I'm glad I don't have to deal with that female drama" or "Boys are much simpler". I realize these people are perhaps easing their own painful jealousy, but those comments are hurtful because it seems to be a very stereotypical slam on my girl. Would my daughter be worth more as a son? Isn't she a wonderful blessing from God just as she is - her - not her, gendered? I understand sorrow and wistfulness at not having a girl but please be aware of how comments that ease your pain, increase mine.
    Congrats on the new baby! He or she will bring endless joy to your life no matter what.

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    1. I heard quite a few times the opposite, that once I had a boy (child #1) and a girl (child #2) I "must be done now" with having kids. As if the only goal of having a 2nd child was getting to have a girl. Then there is this pregnancy where I had not made a big deal about the gender with my kids, they both were content with either.... until people kept asking "What do you want?" So by the time we found out, neither one had decided they wanted the boy that is on the way but wanted a girl. It was hard to watch them both be disappointed thanks to well-meaning people trying to get their opinion, as if they had any say in the matter. Praying for a healthy baby and my other kids to get excited again after their disappointing reveal.

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  2. Tina, after having two little boys, although I love them with all of my heart, I felt the same way. What mommy doesn't want a little girl to dress up and take to tea parties? I was so certain that I was having another boy the third time around. We asked the ultrasound technician to let us figure out the gender and I was thoroughly confused when I didn't see what I was looking for. I thought I was looking at the wrong thing :) But, now I have a little girl and as of yet, it's not that different than having a boy...other than the clothes. Her favorite toys are her brothers cars and even when I have her dressed head to toe in pink, people comment on how cute "he" is. She is just as mischievous, if not more, than my boys. But I love her because she is mine. When I found out that Andrew was a boy, my mother-in-law told me that God trusted me with the responsibility to raise 2 godly boys that would love him and treat their wives with love and respect. The thought overwhelmed me, but my life took on new meaning. Congratulations and I know that you will truly by happy, boy or girl, for the blessing that God is giving you!!

    By the way, we really need to try to get the kids together. They are all just about the same age and I bet they would really get along great! Beka :)

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  3. Hey tina, I am praying for you everyday that god will awnser your prayer. I admire you and think you are the most amazing mom ,I miss seeing and talking to you. If there was one mom in this world that deserves A baby girl its you!! you truly deserve your dream and I beleive in my heart god is going to make it happen!!Miss you bunches Aimee

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  4. Tina- I share your story. At 43, I now have 4 boys ranging from 23 to 3, and every time, I wanted a girl. I got quite a surprise when I had had several ultrasounds that indicated my third one was a girl. We had the room painted, clothes washed with tags thrown away. Wow-I was devastated when he, too, came out with that extra little something. My husband had had a vasectomy 2 months before he was born. One thing that drives me crazy is all those parents who have both a boy and a girl and they always say, "Be happy you have boys!" And, "Girls are so much harder!" It hurts a little bit to hear that. My husband decided to have his vasectomy reversed and we tried again after many years. I got pregnant and miscarried. Then, when I wasn't expecting it at all, I found I was pregnant again. My final boy. I did recently have the opportunity to be foster parent (with my husband) to 3 girls. They absolutely were the most difficult children I have ever dealt with-but I don't think that is because they are girls-they just have had so many issues that lead to who they are now. My husband tells me to wait for grand-daughters. Maybe that will help-but there just continues to be a longing for that mother-daughter relationship I know I will never really have. All that is to say- I feel you.

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  5. I pray you get the girl you would love to have, but I also want to share that having four boys is more fun than I could have ever imagined! I pray every day that I am raising them to be loving towards each other and that they will always be each other's best friends.

    I'm with you. I have to find out. I was also disappointed when I found out my first wasn't a girl. After that I haven't been disappointed, because I realized God knew much better than I could have ever imagined or planned for my family. Still, I like knowing, so I am mentally and physically prepared.

    If you find out you are having a fourth boy, and you are disappointed, remember that there is nothing wrong with being disappointed. I felt guilty when I was sad my first was a boy, and I realized there is nothing wrong with feeling a bit sad about that. Like you said, you love your boys. The disappointment has nothing to do with that. :)

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  6. I understand your reasons for wanting to find out. I hope you get your little girl... if not this time, maybe next time. :)

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  7. We also share similar reasons to you for finding out the baby's gender. We are expecting our second girl in June and my husband would love a boy but similarly to you we are so blessed and thankful for healthy babies thus far. God is good and right all the time. Blessings to you.

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  8. I just found your post on twitter and it couldn't be more timely for me! I'm a mama to two little guys and we are pregnant with our 3rd. EVERYONE keeps telling me they are "certain" it's a girl, etc. etc. And, well, we just had an early 15 week ultrasound and all signs would point to another boy. We'll confirm that in a few weeks.
    There have been lots of tears. And, like you said, it has nothing to do with the little one I'm carrying...and I love my boys more than anything. It's just grieving the loss of the dream I had of raising a little girl! So, I completely understand your feelings and I'm so glad that you shared. I've been nervous to share publicly for fear of people not understanding.
    Good luck with the ultrasound next week! :)

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  9. Don't understand yearning for a sex. I've had 4 babies and didn't find out the sex until the day they were born. My heart raced at every ultrasound as I hoped they were healthy and growing. Every minute I was pregnant I knew I was blessed to be able to be a mum. I didn't rub my tummy and pray to god that my baby will be a Dr or a lawyer, I didn't hope and wish they have the same interests or hobbies as me. When they arrived and as they grew, I found out who they are and nurtured their 'being'. Not my design or wishes. Is a shame you felt pressure from those around you to have a girl. Is incredibly sad that there is disappointment in the eyes of someone regarding the sex of a baby. Wow that baffles me. A baby is a gift. Not a boy baby, not a girl baby, not only the ones with blue eyes or blonde hair. The baby, the child that is totally dependant on you. I know you couldn't love your boys more. I don't want to suggest anything different. The big picture is the sex is trivial when god has chosen you to be a mum

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    2. Beautifully said! I don't understand all the division that the author alludes too. I only have one so don't have a ton of experience in wishing and hoping. We (my family - all of us, immediate & extended) were anxiously awaiting the baby coming. And when he arrived, it was instant love. I can't imagine that there could be the possibility of being disappointed at the birth if it turned out to be something other than what you "wished". But I don't have experience so can't say much. I
      I wonder though if all the expectation and hoping and then finding out BEFoRE the birth actually leads to more disappoint when your wish isn't granted than if you found out at birth. Thinking about the whole "mom thing" kicking in at birth. I don't know - just a thought.

      Congrats to the author on your upcoming arrival!!

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  10. My soul wants a daughter so bad...my heart breaks everytime I see a beautiful dress or doll or hear of a baby being abused especially so when its a baby girl and I know I could have loved her with all my heart.

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    1. I completely understand! I was there, too. When I found out we were having our 4th boy, I stopped praying for a little girl and started praying for peace. I thought I'd always feel like I'd been robbed or that we were incomplete as a family! Praise God, He did give me that peace. I don't know if it works that way for everyone, but I can honestly say that I feel good about having my little family of boys :) I recently went to a baby shower for a dear friend having twin girls (something that would've sent me into an emotional break-down months ago) and I can truthfully say that I felt nothing but joy for her. My husband and I have not ruled out the possibility of adopting one day, but I no longer feel that I've failed or that I'm missing out on anything. I pray that you'll find the same peace, because I really do know how painful that struggle is! Blessings to you and your family!! ~Tina

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    2. What a wonderful way to change the prayer! It's been a month since we learned the gender and I'm still struggling. Hopefully, the grief will give way to peace.

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  11. Tina I totally feel your pain. As a mother of only boys too. It's the only thing in my life that has been so out of my control. I'm still at the point where I feel like I will always be missing out on all those things that come along with having a daughter. And I totally understand the outside pressure. For some reason people get way more excited about baby girls than boys. My sister recently had the first baby girl grandchild and my family is over the moon excited about her. She is treated VERY differently from my boys. Thanks for sharing this. It's nice to know I'm not the only one with these feelings.

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    1. Danielle - I am always blessed to find other moms that "get it"! It sounds like we could have written each others stories :) But, I can also say that there is something special about little boys and how they love their Mommies! There is no greater blessing for me than to be the Princess of this house with my 4 little princes and 1 special Prince Charming!

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  12. I came across your blog on Pinterest and just wanted to say THANK YOU for being honest enough to put your feelings out there! I could have written the exact same thing! I have 3 boys and they are wonderful and I love them more than I ever could have imagined, but my heart feels like a piece is still missing because I don't have a daughter. And my husband says we're done now, so I probably never will. My 3rd son was born in January and I wrestled with whether to find out in advance or wait until he was born, and ended up deciding to find out, because, like you, I didn't want disappointment marring his birthday. I really struggled with the fact that he was a boy. I was convinced he would be a girl because God knew how very much I wanted a girl. Now, of course, I wouldn't trade him for the world. But still... It's hard to put these feelings into words, because it sounds like I'm not satisfied with my boys or like I wish any of them had been girls, and I am and I don't. I love them all just the way they are and sons are wonderful. But my heart still yearns for a daughter. I just keep telling myself that maybe God has something else in mind for me to get my "little girl." I pray that He does!

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    1. Becky,
      I do know exactly what you mean, and even now, I sometimes wonder if God has another child in our future - maybe through adoption. I know that you love your little boys and I pray that God does bring you your little girl, or that He gives you the peace of knowing that your family is perfect just the way it is!
      Blessings to you and your family!
      ~Tina

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  13. So glad to read this today!~ :) I'm having our 4th baby in 3 months, and I currently have 3 boys! We didn't find out what baby #4 is, and I really am excited either way! I see all these moms with 4 boys and how much fun they have and think that will so be me! ;) I guess we'll see in 3 months! It's gotten more and more exciting with each baby not knowing what baby is...and now that I have 3 boys and this is most likely our last baby, unless the Lord decides otherwise, it's SO fun!~

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    1. Congratulations on your new addition! I pray you have a healthy baby and easy delivery :) I can definitely say that 4 boys is a lot of fun! And, I know that bows and tutus are fun as well! Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

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  14. Tina, what did you endup being blessed with? :)

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    1. Hi Amy! You'd be surprised how many times I get that question :) You inspired me to finally add that update I've been meaning to get to. We were blessed with our 4th little boy! Life with 4 boys has been more fun than I ever could have imagined! God always knows exactly what we need :)

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    2. Yes He does! I read this blog originally close to a year ago (we had just had our second sweet boy) and I was already praying that our next one would be a girl. I obsessed for months about it. But it's funny, we are expecting our third now and now all I care about and pray for is that it is healthy, which should have been my attitude all along. I guess it's just hard for a mama to think about not getting a little girl. But after reading some of the comments on here it just made me think how blessed I am to even be pregnant, and obviously if God has us pregnant with another boy, it's for a purpose. Which makes me excited because what could be better than a purposed baby from God?? Anyways, thank you for the blog. I got lots of encouragement here. And congrats on your family of boys...I can't think of anything more fun. :)

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  15. So interesting reading all these comments that are vastly different from mine. I have two beautiful girls and both times I hoped to have a son and was convinced I'd be having a boy and without fail I had two girls. I love them very dearly and yet a part of me still yearns for a boy a miniature version of my husband. It's difficult to understand these feelings when I should be especially thankful for having wonderful and healthy children.

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  17. Im glad i came across this article. i myself just find out last tuesday that we are having our 2 nd boy.. And it had been very hard for me to accepted that i will never have my little princess.. I was convinced we were having a girl. And when i saw the ultrasound i said its a boy. And i got some kind of miss feelings, even my husband was hoping for a girl even worse my whole family. Oh well...i know i will love my child more than anything but, thing is i can't even try for a third one since husband is much older than me and he does not want anymore children. So i have to learn how to be happy with my two boys and accept the fact of never having my daughter.

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    1. Yohita, Congratulations on your upcoming arrival! What a precious little gift! Thank you for commenting and sharing your story with us! I know exactly what you are going through and I pray that you will find peace. I also know that you will love that little boy and that God doesn't make mistakes. He picked you to be the Mommy of two precious little boys- and who knows, there may be a girl surprise in your future one day. And, if not, that's okay, too! Blessings to you and your growing family!

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  19. I just came across this since it was on my FB wall and I have to say I hear everything you are saying. I have 5 boys, and my last I was told was a girl. I was over the moon until about a month later when they said "Oh, you know you're having a boy, right?" I would never, EVER, change my babies, but I yearn for the other gender too. I yearn for the relationship that a mother and daughter have, and I wish I could allow my boys to have a sister. This topic will always be controversial, and I just let it go if someone tells me "Oh you should be happy you have _____ kids. They aren't you and can't tell you how you can feel. Hugs :)

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I can't imagine being told you were having a girl and then finding out it's not. I'm sorry you had to go through that! Blessings to you and your beautiful family of boys :)

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  20. Hm, see I'm not finding out the sex of my baby (I'm due in a week!) but for the same reason you ARE finding out. I have heard of so many people being disappointed at their ultrasound because they wanted a boy or girl (understandably!), and I've also heard of the ultrasound being wrong and then all the planning and decorated room and outfits bought have to be redone/returned. I've never heard of anyone having their baby be born and being disappointed in that moment that it's a boy or a girl, because they're just so happy to see and hold their baby and that the wait and the pain are over. I want a girl very badly and part of my wanting it to be a surprise in the delivery room is part of the reason I won't share names with people- because once there's an actual squirming little baby to hold it's very hard to be disappointed in it. I don't want to be disappointed in the sex at all and after asking pretty much everyone I knew, I found that the people who left it as a surprise were ALWAYS happy. Maybe a bit of sadness later when seeing a little girl in a pretty dress (my aunt has 5 boys and she said even now when they're all in their 30s seeing tiny girls makes her a bit wistful) but I don't think that would be different with knowing before the birth or not. Interesting view though!

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  28. I just stumbled across this. Thank you for having the courage to write this article. I have 4 boys also, ages 6,5,2 and 7 months. I can totally relate to your story. My sadness has turned into depression. I can't imagine life without the little girl I've always dreamed of! I'm CONSIDERING trying for a 5th but feel like it's selfish. I can't stand it when women (whom have a daughter) try to judge me for my sadness and pain. How would they EVER know how badly this hurts? I'm wondering how you are doing now? I guess some women get over it. My pain is so deep rooted, I can't imagine I ever will. I feel punished. My faith is weak. I hope you found a light at the end of your tunnel!

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    1. Samantha - Thank you so much for sharing with me! I'm copying a response I wrote to someone back in October of 2012 because, at that point, my 4th son was 4 months old so I was more where you are now:

      October 1, 2012 at 6:25 AM
      I completely understand! I was there, too. When I found out we were having our 4th boy, I stopped praying for a little girl and started praying for peace. I thought I'd always feel like I'd been robbed or that we were incomplete as a family! Praise God, He did give me that peace. I don't know if it works that way for everyone, but I can honestly say that I feel good about having my little family of boys :) I recently went to a baby shower for a dear friend having twin girls (something that would've sent me into an emotional break-down months ago) and I can truthfully say that I felt nothing but joy for her. My husband and I have not ruled out the possibility of adopting one day, but I no longer feel that I've failed or that I'm missing out on anything. I pray that you'll find the same peace, because I really do know how painful that struggle is! Blessings to you and your family!! ~Tina

      Samantha - I do know where you are now and I want to encourage you, if you feel depressed, if it is stealing the joy of motherhood from you, please talk to someone. There is no shame in getting help. Your feelings are your own, and it is okay to be sad. It's what you DO with those feelings that is truly important. Don't let being sad make you miss out on enjoying the four blessings that you already have.

      As for me, I started feeling that our family was complete around the time that our 4th turned a year. I had truly found peace with being a "boy mama". My husband wanted another child and I agreed to wait one more year and we would "talk" about it. God has a sense of humor though and just a few months later, I was pregnant again. My daughter just celebrated her first birthday. I don't know if having another baby is the right thing for you, but if your family wants another child (not just a girl, but another baby), there is nothing selfish about that. We also considered adoption for awhile and still haven't ruled out adding another child to our crew through adoption. I pray that you will find peace in this. Pray for peace and God WILL help you find your joy again! Blessings to you and your growing family! ~Tina

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  30. I definitely understand you am having my fourth daughter and I still cry for the little boy that I don't know if one day I'll have.

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  32. Baseballs v hair bows? This insane gender shit has GOT to end.

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